Sweet Tea Hospitality

So really I shouldn't complain (but since I happen to be very good at it, here goes:). My new city is really pretty perfect (minus the fact that the earth beneath me could open up and swallow me at any given moment). For the most part there are no bugs. People don't even have screens on their windows here - no need; there is nothing to keep out. Having grown up in the deep south where people joke about mosquitoes being the "state bird" and shrug their shoulders at the site of their ten-millionth cockroach (no, fellow South Carolinians I will NOT use the euphemism "Palmetto Bugs," these creatures are vile and not deserving of a cutesy name), this ranks high for me. However, we do have ants. Seasonal sugar ants. When it is cold and rainy, these little buggers seek refuge and take over the kitchen (eew. gross.). That said, I have had to retrain my brain to keep all alluring food products in the fridge or some other impenetrable fortress. Lewis' frosted flakes - in the fridge. Sugar bowl for his coffee - in the fridge. Oreos - fridge. Needless to say, my fridge is quickly filling up with items that my OCD deems don't belong! However, if this is the price I have to pay to send these pests packing, I'm happy to oblige. So far, so good.......until this morning.

While back home in the 843, my new hubby discovered Firefly Sweet Tea vodka. He quickly became a loyal follower and it has become his libation of choice. Last night he made a drink while I was getting ready for our Poker Night outing. Being a "girl," this took a little longer than I had planned so we found ourselves rushing out the door. Sweet Tea vodka glass gets left on kitchen counter. Ant Frat Party begins. Ants party well into morning hours and were still gathered when I broke it up at 8 a.m. This got ugly. While I should have had the sober advantage, these insects quickly showed me who was boss. I first tried an aerial attack using a hot-water waterfall to flush them down the drain. But there were more. I then attempt to squash out the remaining battalions with wet sponge. This seemed to do the trick.  I had reclaimed my territory! Proceed to wash syrupy glass and surrounding counter top, then on to (finally!) making pot of coffee. Out of corner of my eye I see a black speck on the arm of my bath robe. "Damn coffee grinds mocking me again!" I disdainfully say to myself. To my horror the errant ground is approaching. I pluck it from my sleeve and give it the old 'finger squish.' HA! GOT 'EM! But wait...there are more! The ants have unified Normandy-style to take ME down! They are crawling up my arm and from my waist! I quickly go into sniper mode plucking each one at a time until the last blip of black was gone from my (thankfully white!) robe. Humbled by strategery of these intoxicated arthropods, I grudgingly add the bottle of Firefly to the stash in our fridge.

Failure Is Not An Option

So we're married! I am an official housewife - a housewife who cannot figure out how to use the glamourous new coffee maker that she HAD to register for (hmmm...Aesop any advice on this one?) I'm pretty sure that makes me a big, fat house-fraud.  Allow me to set the stage...as many of you know I have self-diagnosed OCD.  Ground coffee (and glass top tables...I can NEVER seem to get all the streaks off no matter how many passes I make with my Windex and over-priced paper towels) is among one of my arch nemeses. When it spills into the coffee maker or worse yet into the grout of our (white!!!) tile counter-tops it makes a huge mess. I e-hat that [phrase borrowed from "Everybody Loves Raymond - the Pig Latin episode]. When you try to wipe it up with a dry paper towel, it's impossible to get all the grounds; use a wet paper towel and you've created a coffee-colored mess all over the place. Miss a ground or two, you leave a ticking-time bomb just waiting to make its mark on the carpets in your house (Freud?). My solution? BEANS! I'll only use BEANS! Super-easy clean-up if over-zealous scooping occurs with the bonus of added coffee freshness! Ahhh, you might point out, until now you'd need a separate grinder to grind the beans, then have to transfer the grounds to the machine risking the same problem all over again. BUT ALAS <insert choir of angels here> meet the Cuisnart Grind and Brew. Simply scoop the beans into the chamber, pour in the water, and press "on."............. or....not so simply as I would soon discover.

After diligently reading the instruction manual from cover-to-cover (yes, I do that with all my new toys, even the "War and Peace" manual that was my digital camera instructions) I set up, press the shiny new "on" button, step back and prepare for ensuing delight. However, after pouring my first cup of joe, adding the proper ratio of soy milk and creamer, I take a sip only to discover I've created a truly "uninspired" cup of coffee.  How could this be? Chalking it up to being a coffee bean ingenue, I pour it out and start again this time filling the chamber up completely with beans in order to hedge my bet. Same outcome. Coffee colored water with a hint of soy flavor. Damn. So this housewife finds herself under-caffeinated and overwhelmed...guess I need to go apologize to the Mr. Coffee I gave the old heave-ho to last night. Hopefully he's in a forgiving mood.